Short Lived...

   "It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." This is a saying repeated through cheesy novels and romantic comedies since the beginning of time. However, is it really true? Maybe it applies sometimes, but from all of the heartbreak I'm observing right now, it's hard to have much faith in the saying.
   Today started week three of a pre-medical institute at Washington University in St. Louis, the final week. Coming into the program, a group of thirty girls and guys are thrown together in a minimum security dorm, spending all day and all night with one another. I guess it should have been expected that bonds would be made and feelings would be developed. What I hadn't expected was that some of these feelings would be directed towards me. So, I had a decision to make. Do as the others in the program were doing and pursue a "relationship" that will meet an inevitable doom in three short weeks, or to not. Call me boring, too serious, a worrywart, whatever, I decided against it.
    I didn't see a big enough upside to the guaranteed sadness and pain that would ensue from creating any tight bonds with these people I'll more than likely never see again. Maybe that sounds cold hearted, maybe it is cold hearted. Three weeks just wouldn't be worth it to me. However, I was one of the very few in this program that felt that way. My prediction came true. Bonds were formed, feelings developed...to the point where almost no boys or girls were sleeping in their own beds.
   As one may assume, the second week was a romantic high for a lot of people here. There was a lot of hand holding, stolen kisses, relationship Facebook status alterations, the whole nine yards. But, anyone who's ridden a roller coaster knows that as exhilarating and wonderful as that high is, and as much as you may never want it to end, that high will eventually come crashing down. That brings us here. Week three.
   Realizations are beginning to come into focus. That inevitable end that once seemed so far off is now baring its ugly face. I went home for the weekend and relationships were at nauseating as could be. When I returned, loving gazes have turned to regretful glances. Holding hands affectionately is now desperately clinging to what they know is slipping away.
   Yes, the relationship high has indeed begun to plummet. Tears have already begun to flow in anticipation of the ride being over. So is it better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all? Are all of these tears and heartache worth it? Who's to say? But when my friend - one shedding tears over soon leaving this program and consequentially her "boyfriend" who lives overseas - asked me for advice, I knew exactly what to say. We have one week left. A third of the program. She's going to face pain either way at this point, the ride will end, she's already had the high, there's no getting off now. But the ride isn't over yet. She has five more days to finish up the ride of her life. Would it have been better if she had never invested herself in this to begin with? Is it better to have loved and lost? Who's to say?

Finding Your Footing

   In any new situation, no matter how big or small the change, there's always a period of adjustment. Sometimes the change is for the better, sometimes for the better, but regardless of the circumstances, the adjustment is never very fun. Personally, I am currently in the midst of a very new situation to me. This change involves being four hundred miles away from my parents, my sister, my home. Anyone who knows me at all knows that I'm close with my family, and I've never been away from them for any extended period of time before, especially not away from them with no friends, acquaintances, just a lot of unfamiliar faces.
  This is all exciting, scary, fun, and lonely at first, all at the same time. Most of the other kids at this three week pre-medical program have been away from home several times before and treasure the freedom it entails. However, over the last week of adjusting to this new environment, I've been feeling the opposite. I love what I'm doing; learning about the medical field, dissecting brains and eyeballs, meeting new people, it's all a lot of great experiences. Most of the people are fantastic, and it's so interesting hearing about their lives and how differently people from different states and countries live. But, I can't help the occasional wave of homesickness that washes over me.
   Of course, I've been able to keep in contact with my parents and sisters via Skype and texting. I stay in touch with friends over frequent e-mails and such. But, I've had many moments during this program in which all I wanted to do was to be able to grab my mom or my dad and just give them the biggest, tightest, I-never-want-to-let-you-go-hugs EVER. It's already been a week, so you'd think I would be completely adjusted by now, but this is all just so new to me. I realize that I only have one more year left of high school, and then that's it. It'll be the college experience, but I'll be gone for good. No counting down the days until I get to go back to the safe and easy environment of my childhood home, because I'll have to make somewhere else my new home. And that's scaring the living daylights out of me.
   However, maybe the fact that I'm getting this experience, scariness and homesickness and all, is a really good thing. Maybe it'll make the transition when I go to college for good a lot smoother and expected. It'll be less of a thrown-into-the-deep-end-of-the-pool feeling, and more of a gradual wading into the water; letting my body acclimate to the pool temperature before allowing myself to be completely submerged. Not to say that it won't be difficult a year from now, and I'll be getting ready to move into a university that will become my home for at least four years of my life. It'll still be a challenge, and I'll still get homesick. But they say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, and this program is very far from killing me. In fact, I'm extraordinarily happy here about 75% of the time, and that percentage is slowly creeping its way upward. So I'm just hoping to come out of this program with a lot of great memories, interesting experiences, and a much stronger person.