The man is dressed in all white. Draped in the most secure of radiation suits. He is to be faced with an extremely gruesome massacre murder scene. All in a normal day's work for him. He reaches for the door knob. Out of all of the dozens of murder scenes this blood spatter analyst, this one feels different. It's not often he's forced to wear a full fledged protective suit. He reaches for the door knob; slowly at first, feeling the sweat drip down his face from behind his plastic mask. The door creaks open; before him is a very generic hotel room. Double bed with cheap pastel sheets. Mass produced watercolor paintings of sail boats hang from the walls. Dark scratchy carpet. All drenched in dark crimson blood. The blood of at least five victims. Maybe more. All over the walls; the pastel comforter; the watercolor sail boat. All stained red with murder. Any normal person would be mortified. Ready to vomit, pass out, maybe both. He is no normal person. What does he feel? Shock? Disgust? A sick kind of pleasure? No. Just nothing. He feels nothing.
I am writing this blog from the comfort of my family room. Wedged between my mother reading People Magazine, and my father eating a pretzel rod while checking the weather on his phone. We are plowing our way through the first season of the show "Dexter". Possibly one of the most disturbing and gruesome shows I've ever encountered. But what really interests me is not the man character's uncanny ability to identify blood spatter patterns, but the fact that the main character, from birth, has not encountered one emotion. It is not yet clear why he doesn't feel, but he's had to live his whole life learning how to function like a normal person, while inside he just feels nothing. This leaves me wondering whether it would be easier. Easier to just not feel. To not be afraid of anything. No fear. No crushing disappointment when your relationship crashes and burns. No sting of abandonment. No mistakes made due to a hormone driven action. All of what we do is ruled by emotion. The need to feel loved, cared for, paid attention to. All gone. Could it just be easier?
Then I think....emotion is the reason we live. Without the need for love, attention, accomplishment, or happiness, what's left to live for? Yes, it would be easier to be rid of emotion. To never feel hurt. To never get mad. So much easier to do things for others and not for ourselves. However hard these emotions can be to deal with, life just wouldn't seem worth it without these feelings inside of each and every one of us. While the hurt of a breakup is excruciating, it can't compare to the pure joy one will feel when they marry the love of their lives. The anger one feels when they are betrayed is difficult to deal with; but all of the happiness brought by friends and family between arguments is so worth it.
While we must take the good emotions with the bad, I can't imagine a life without them. I believe that we are all born a blank sheet. As we mature and grow, it begins to fill up with color and shape. Without the beautiful emotions and the unpleasant emotions, you're just a blank page. Forever a blank page that no one can ever color on. While mood swings in anyone aren't fun to deal with. I'd rather feel something than not feeling anything. Dexter may have a hard life in front of him, always having to pretend to be normal. Faking to feel love in front of his girl friend. Faking shock, devotion, love. He'll never feel any of it.
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